The Five Stages of Divorce, and What They Are Not

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The model is useful as a vocabulary and misleading as a schedule, and almost nobody moves through it in order.

If you have looked this up, you are probably trying to work out whether what you are feeling is normal. The honest answer is that there is a wider range of normal here than the five stages suggest.

The stages are worth knowing because they give you words for experiences that otherwise feel formless. They are not worth treating as a sequence you have to complete.

Where the Five Stages Come From

The model was published in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, drawn from her work with terminally ill patients.¹ It was never developed from research on divorce, and later work, including her own 2005 book with David Kessler, describes the stages as not a fixed sequence.

What the evidence shows since is that people do not move through grief in a set sequence. A review of the research found no empirical support for the staged progression the model is usually presented as.² People loop back, skip stages, and feel several at once.

That matters for a practical reason. A reader who expects five orderly stages tends to conclude that something is wrong with them when week three looks like anger and week four looks like anger again.

What the Five Actually Describe

Denial

The early period where the trouble is visible but not yet named. People minimise, wait for things to pass, and avoid telling anyone, which is often less about denying reality than about not being ready to act on it.

Anger

Blame arrives once the situation is undeniable, aimed at a spouse, at yourself, or at nothing in particular. This is the stage most likely to produce decisions you later regret, which is worth knowing while you are in it.

Bargaining

The replaying of what might have gone differently, and sometimes genuine attempts to save the marriage. For some couples this is where counselling happens, and for others it is where the decision quietly becomes final.

Depression

The grief itself, often arriving alongside relief rather than instead of it. Feeling both at once is common and is not a sign of ambivalence about the decision.

Acceptance

Not happiness, and not the end of sadness. It is the point where the fact of the divorce stops being the thing you are arguing with, which frees up attention for what comes next.

Somewhere in the middle of this?

You do not have to have reached acceptance to ask what the process would involve. Schedule a free consultation with Johnson Law Group and we will explain what happens next without pushing you toward a decision.

Why the Emotional Timeline and the Legal One Do Not Match

The two run on separate clocks, and that mismatch causes more trouble than the stages themselves. Nothing about the legal process waits for you to feel ready for the next part of it.

Colorado sets a floor. A decree cannot enter until at least ninety-one days after the court acquires jurisdiction over the other spouse.³ Because of that waiting period, even a fully agreed case takes about three months from service or joint filing.

Separately, one spouse must have been domiciled in Colorado for ninety-one days before filing. That period runs before the case starts rather than inside it.

What the statute does not set is a ceiling. A contested case runs as long as the disputes and the court calendar require, which is usually months longer and sometimes considerably more.

The practical consequence is that you may be asked to make permanent decisions while still somewhere in the middle emotionally. Terms about Colorado property division and parenting outlast the feelings you have while agreeing to them.

Decisions Worth Not Making From Anger

Some choices in a divorce are reversible and some are not. Knowing which is which is more useful than trying to feel calm before you decide.

Parenting terms are the ones most often regretted. Colorado allocates parental responsibilities, meaning parenting time and decision-making, rather than custody.⁴

Not all of it is equally hard to revisit. Changing which parent the child lives with most of the time, or who makes major decisions, takes a higher showing.⁵ Smaller schedule changes turn on the child’s best interests, so a Colorado child custody arrangement agreed in a bad month is not necessarily permanent.

Money follows close behind. Waiving a claim to retirement or agreeing to a house buyout figure in order to finish quickly are choices that look different a year on. The same goes for spousal maintenance, which most people call alimony in Colorado.

The useful rule is narrow. If a decision is permanent and you are in the middle of a hard week, that is the week to ask for more time rather than the week to sign.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does everyone go through all five stages of divorce?

No. The five stages come from work with terminally ill patients, not from research on divorce. Reviews of the evidence have found no support for moving through grief in a set order, and people loop back, skip stages, and feel several at once.

Which stage is the hardest?

It varies, and the question itself can be misleading. Some people describe the depression stage as hardest, because it is where the loss is felt most directly. Others find anger harder, and some find acceptance hardest because it is final.

How long does a divorce take in Colorado?

A decree cannot enter until at least ninety-one days after the court acquires jurisdiction over the other spouse, so an agreed case runs about three months at minimum. Contested cases run longer depending on the disputes and the court calendar.

What is an amicable divorce?

One where the spouses agree on every term rather than litigating them. It still goes through the court, because every Colorado divorce ends in a court decree. What agreement avoids is a contested hearing, and it is usually faster and less expensive.

Should I wait until I feel ready before filing?

There is no right answer, and the two clocks do not line up. The legal process will not wait for acceptance, so the more useful question is which decisions are permanent and whether you are making those ones in a steady week.

Talk With a Colorado Family Law Attorney

An early conversation does not commit you to filing. It tells you what the process would involve, what the timeline looks like, and which decisions are the ones to take slowly.

Johnson Law Group guides clients through Colorado divorce from first filing to decree, and you can learn more about our approach on our Colorado family law page. You can find our offices in Denver, Colorado Springs, Commerce City, Englewood, and Fort Collins.

You can also read about the background and experience of the attorneys on our team. Schedule a free consultation whenever you are ready to ask questions.

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